CAD Humor
Subject: The management perspective of the Y2K problem (fwd)
To the Board of Directors:
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December
As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak.
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y-to-K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?
We'll await your further direction.
IM Management
It's a Wonderful Machine:
The Sweetest Christmas Movie Frank Capra Never Made
By David Pogue
I guess I shouldn't have gone to a party where the eggnog was spiked, and maybe I shouldn't have watched the movie It's a Wonderful Life while leafing through MacWeek. But anyway, I had the weirdest dream last night--like a bizarre black-and-white movie that went like this: Jimmy Stewart stars as Steve "Jobs" Bailey, who runs a beleaguered but beloved small-town computer company. For years, big monopolist Bill "Gates" Potter has been wielding his power and money to gain control of the town. And for years, Steve has fought for survival: "This town needs my measly, one-horse computer, if only to have something for people to use instead of Windows!"
But now an angry mob is banging on Apple's front door, panicking. "The press says your company is doomed!" yells one man. "You killed the clones! We're going to Windows!" calls another. "We want out of our investment!" they shout.
Steve, a master showman, calms them. "Don't do it! If Potter gets complete control of the desktop, you'll be forced to buy his bloatware and pay for his cruddy upgrades forever! We can get through this, but we've got to have faith and stick together!" The crowd decides to give him one more chance.
But the day before Christmas, something terrible happens: On his way to the bank, the company's financial man, Uncle Gilly, somehow manages to lose $1.7 billion. With eyes flashing, Steve grabs the befuddled Gilly by the lapels. "Where's that money, you stupid old fool? Don't you realize what this means? It means bankruptcy and scandal! Get out of my company--and don't come back!"
Desperate and afraid, Steve heads to Martini's, a local Internet cafe, and drowns his sorrows in an iced cappuccino. Surfing the Web at one of the cafe's Macs, all he finds online is second-guessing, sniping by critics, and terrible market-share numbers.
As a blizzard rages, Steve drives his car crazily toward the river. "Oh, what's the use?!" he exclaims. "We've lost the war. Windows rules the world. After everything I've worked for, the Mac is going to be obliterated! Think of all the passion and effort these last 15 years--wasted! Think of the billions of dollars, hundreds of companies, millions of people . . . ." He stands on the bridge, staring at the freezing, roiling river below--and finally hurls himself over the railing.
After a moment of floundering in the chilly water, however, he's pulled to safety by a bulbous-nosed oddball. "Who are you?!" Steve splutters angrily. "Name's Clarence--I mean Claris," says the guy. "I'm your guardian angel. I've been sent down to help you--it's my last chance to earn my wings." "Nobody can help me," says Steve bitterly. "If I hadn't created the Mac, everybody'd be a lot happier: Mr. Potter, the media, even our customers. Hell, we'd all be better off if the Mac had never been invented at all!" Music swirls. The wind howls. The tattoo on Steve's right buttock--Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story--vanishes.
Steve pats the empty pocket where he usually carries his Newton. "What gives?" "You've got your wish," says Claris. "You never invented the Mac. It never existed. You haven't a care in the world." "Look, little fella, go off and haunt somebody else," Steve mutters. He heads over to Martini's Internet cafe for a good stiff drink. But he's shocked at the difference inside. "My God, look at the people using these computers! Both of them--they look like math professors!" "They are," says Claris. "What is this, a museum? It looks like those computers are running DOS!" "Good eye!" says Claris. "DOS version 25.01, in fact--the very latest."
"I don't get it," Steve says.
"DOS is a lot better and faster these days, but it hasn't occurred to anybody to market a computer with icons and menus yet. There's no such thing as Windows--after all, there never was a Mac interface for Microsoft to copy." "But this equipment is ancient!" Steve exclaims. "No sound, no CD-ROM drive, not even 3.5-inch floppies!" "Those aren't antiques!" Claris says. "They're state-of-the-art Compaqs, complete with the latest 12X, 5-inch-floppy drives. Don't forget, Steve: The Mac introduced and standardized all that good stuff you named."
"But that's nuts!" Steve explodes. "You mean to tell me that the 46 percent of American households with computers are all using DOS?"
"Correction: All 9 percent of American households," says Claris cheerfully. "Without a graphic interface, computers are still too complicated to be popular."
"Bartender!" shouts Steve. "You don't have a copy of Wired here, do you? I've got to read up on this crazy reality!" The bartender glares. "I don't know what you're wired on, pal, but either stop talking crazy or get outta my shop." "No such thing as Wired," whispers Claris. "Never was. Before you wished the Mac away, most magazines were produced entirely on the Mac. Besides, Wired would be awfully thin without the Web."
"Without the--now, wait just a minute!" Horrified, Steve rushes over to one of the PCs and connects to the Internet. "You call this the Net? It looks like a text-only BBS--and there's practically nobody online! Where's Navigator? Where's Internet Explorer? Where's the Web, for Pete's sake?"
"Oh, I see," Claris smiles sympathetically. "You must be referring to all those technologies that spun off from the concept of a graphic interface. Look, Steve. Until the Mac made the mouse standard, there was no such thing as point and click. And without clicking, there could be no Web . . . and no Web companies. Believe it or not, Marc Andreesen works in a Burger King in Cincinnati."
Steve scoffs. "Well, look, if you apply that logic, then PageMaker wouldn't exist either. Photoshop, Illustrator, FreeHand, America Online, digital movies--all that stuff began life on the Mac." "You're getting it," Claris says. He holds up a copy of Time magazine. "Check out the cover price." Steve gasps. "Eight bucks? They've got a lot of nerve!" "Labor costs. They're still pasting type onto master pages with hot wax."
"You're crazy!" screams Steve. "I'm going back to my office at Apple!" He drives like a madman back to Cupertino--but the sign that greets him there doesn't say, "Welcome to Apple." It says, "Welcome to Microsoft South." "Sorry, Steve; Apple went out of business in 1985," says Claris. "You see, you really did have a wonderful machine! See what a mistake it was to wish it away?"
Steve is sobbing, barely listening. "OK, then--I'll go to my office at Pixar!" "You don't have an office at Pixar," Claris reminds him. "There was no Mac to make you rich enough to buy Pixar!" Steve has had enough. He rushes desperately back to the icy bridge over the river. "Please, God, bring it back! Bring it back! I don't care about market share! Please! I want the Mac to live again!"
Music, wind, heavenly voices - then snow begins softly falling.
"Hey, Steve! You all right?" calls out Steve's friend Larry from a passing helicopter. Steve pats his pocket--the Newton is there again! It's all back! Steve runs through the town, delirious with joy. "Merry Christmas, Wired! Merry Christmas, Internet! Merry Christmas, wonderful old Microsoft!"
And now his office is filled with smiling people whose lives the Mac has touched. There's old Mr. Chiat/Day the adman. There's Yanni the musician. And there's Mr. Spielberg the moviemaker. As the Apple board starts singing "Auld Lang Syne," somebody boots up a Power Mac.
Steve smiles at the startup sound. "You know what they say," he tells the crowd. "Every time you hear a startup chime, an angel just got his wings."
Some of the great prophecies from great men, or a little food for thought.
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and walked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in"Gone With The Wind."
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" --Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
MICROSOFT TV DINNER PRODUCT INSERT
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: <\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//> Then enter: <ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme>.
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap>. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
Useful Acronyms
PCMCIA People Can't Memorise Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN It Still Does Nothing
APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI System Can't See It
DOS Defunct Operating System
BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM I Blame Microsoft
DEC Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
A CADD Parable of Our Time
A. Nony Mouse
Vizio Toodee grew up as an orphan in the migrant data-labor camps that move up and down the West Coast. While other migrant children learned data entry skills working alongside their parents, little Vizio preferred the company of the cadders. They were old men without families, men who toiled long hours gathering geometry.
At night, Vizio would sit by the campfire and listen to old-timers like Gencad and Versa tell stories of the old days. His favorite story was about the treasures hidden in the Cave of San Rafael and the gang of pirates who guard the treasure. "Tell me again," he would beg Versa, "tell me about the treasures and the pirates." And Versa would sigh and patiently tell him the legend again.
As Vizio grew, he became convinced that the stories about the treasures in the Cave of San Rafael were true. He came to believe that the pirates were hoarding a treasure not rightfully theirs. He hated those pirates, and he dreamed of the day when he would confront them and open the caves.
One night Versa was not by the campfire. Vizio searched through the camp, and found him lying in his tent. "I am dying, Vizio," Versa said in a hoarse whisper. "But I must share a secret with you before I pass on."
"Tell me, old man, and I will guard your secret well."
"I know the secrets of the pirates who guard the Cave of San Rafael. I know the one password that will cause them to lower their guard and let a stranger enter. If you use this password, you will be able to see the treasures for yourself."
"I will see those treasures, and then I will kill the pirates!" Vizio exclaimed, overcome with the emotion of the moment and the realization that his dream might come true. "Tell me the password, old man, before you die." So Versa whispered the password, closed his eyes and passed to another dimension.
The next day the cadders wrapped Versa in 256 layers of Velum and buried him in an unnamed plot at the origin of the camp. Vizio left the camp immediately after the ceremony, headed for the Cave of San Rafael. Along the way, he shared his vision with other cadders he would meet. Some believed in Vizio,s vision and joined in his quest to open the cave and plunder the treasure for the sake of cadders everywhere.
By the time Vizio arrived at the cave, he had become the leader of a group of angry young cadders. They approached the cave at sundown. The group stood back while Vizio boldly walked up to the entry and stood before the doorway of the cave. It was guarded by what looked to be a harmless old man, hardly the ferocious pirate he expected.
"What,d,ya want?" the old guard muttered.
"I have come here to see the treasure," Vizio boasted. Then he threw his arms above his head and shouted directly at the door "Open DWG!"
The old man shook his head, rolled his eyes, shuffled to the door and unlocked it. "Here you go, kid."
A shout went up from Vizio,s followers, and they ran cheering into the cave.
Their brave shouts echoed through the cave for a few seconds, and then suddenly stopped. Instead of wonderful treasures, all they saw were stacks of decaying drawings, relics of a bygone era. It was the collected labors of thousands of old cadders. To Vizio, the air in the cave was musty, heavy and useless.
The old man guarding the door came shuffling in. He went straight to
Vizio and looked him in the eye. "This is DWG, kid. The biggest stinkin,
pile of geometry there is. What,s,a,matter? You ,spected real stuff? You
ain,t gonna find it here. Go find a cave of engineering if you want stuff."
ODE TO SPELL CHECKERS . . .
I have a spelling checker
It runs on my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Yore shore reel glad two no.
Its very polished inn its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles eye reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
Too cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Are air oars cot in thyme.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
at leased nun that eye yam a wear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Four flaws are knot aloud.
That's why eye brake in two averse
Ass Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
EXPERTS WARN OF THREAT FROM 100GigaBurg BUG
- Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug.
As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB. McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two decimal places.
This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products.
The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles.
"The people who know -- the sign-makers -- are really scared of 100GB," one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills."
Windows 98 User Guide
Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (C), the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft. Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty.
Windows 98 (C) represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (C). You'll notice immediately that "98" is a larger number than "95," a better than 3 percent increase. But that's not all. Windows 98 (C) contains many features not found in Windows 95 (C), or in any competing computer operating system, if there were any. Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important, Windows 98 (C) offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use another company's software again.
Windows 98 (C) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (C) offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family.
Configuring Windows 98 (C) to use a browser other than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different ways; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes." If at any time after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed--permanently.
Windows 98 (C) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (C) solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10000. However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa."
Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner.
We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (C) as trouble-free as possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all with your software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)
If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.
Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (C).
Satirist Tom McNichol is waiting for his computer to boot up.
*** VIRUS WARNING ***
Folks, I don't normally send out virus warnings, but this one is extremely serious. Please read very carefully and take care!
If you receive an email entitled "Crazy Times" delete it immediately. Do not open it! Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Crazy Times" message is opened in a Windows 95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skimmed milk with whole milk.
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smel like dill pickles.
It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection.
PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!
Thanks to Bill Gates and a small child with kidney failure for sending that in. If you pass this to at least 5 friends within the next three minutes Bill will give the kid a free copy of Windows 98.
Subject: 15th century time machine to suffer from millennium bug
The oldest time machine in the world destined to suffer from the millennium bug has been found in a museum in Liverpool in northwest England, it was reported Friday. The 400-year-old instrument, which predicts the position of the planets, will stop working at the dawn of the new millennium, unable to accept the date of 1 Jan 2000, like many unadjusted computers around the world, museum curators said. The equatorium, built by an unknown craftsman in 1600, predicts the position of the Sun, Moon, other planets and even eclipses through a system of rotating discs and arms. But the last date inscribed was 1999. "It must have seemed like an eternity at the time," said curator Martin Suggett. [NOTE: These short-sighted engineers. No wonder we have all these problems.]
Comprehending Engineers-Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the
ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Comprehending Engineers-Take Two
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."
Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the
glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
The Fix for Everything
A Mechanic, an Engineer, and a Software Designer are all riding allong in a brand new car that suddenly just stops. The mechanic proposes that they all get out, and he can take a look under the hood and see if he can figure out what the problem may be. The engineer proposes that they all get out, and he can take out the drawing plans for the vehicle and see if they can see where the design flaw is. The software designer then proposes that they all get out, ... and get back in.
Surgeons
Four surgeons are discussing who makes the best type of surgery patient.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers ~ they seem to understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
thermodynamics
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following: First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people don't belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
(It was not revealed what grade the student got.)
Software VS Hardware
MICROSOFT SHOULD MAKE CARS, GM SHOULD MAKE SOFTWARE.
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
A young executive was leaving the office one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen", said the CEO, "this is important and my assistant has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly", said the young man, flattered that the CEO had asked him for help.
He turned the the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.
"Excellent! Excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I need two copies of that."
Flying Around
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to fly to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign read:
"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."
Architectural Variant
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an ARCHITECT," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "Ohhhh. You must be a CONTRACTOR."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
> LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER
> An application was for employment
> A program was a TV show
> A cursor used profanity
> A keyboard was a piano.
> Memory was something that you lost with age
> A CD was a bank account
> And if you had a 3 1/2 floppy you hoped nobody found out!
> Compress was something you did to the garbage
> Not something you did to a file
> And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while!
> Log on was adding wood to the fire
> Hard drive was a long trip on the road
> A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
> And a backup happened to your commode!
> Cut - you did with a pocket knife
> Paste you did with glue
> A web was a spider's home
> And a virus was the flu!
> I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
> And the memory in my head
> I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
> But when it happens they wish they were dead!
>FROM: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
>TO: Trojan Army Listserv < Trojans-L@troy.org
>RE: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!
>Hey Hector,
>This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please distribute
>to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.
>Thanks,
>Laocoon
>WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
>
>IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT
>DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your
>ENTIRE CITY!
>The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall.
>It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.
>DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is
>incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed
>Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill
>your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO
>NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by
>the beach.
>
>FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
>
>Poseidon
>
>=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
>FROM: hector@studmuffin.com
>TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
>RE: Greeks bearing gifts
>Laocoon,
>I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is.
>I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one
>involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who
>ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch."
>Here are a few tip-offs that this is a hoax:
>1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" crap. If it were
>really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post
>it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?
>2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.
>3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus
>but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header
>with a detailed address makes me suspicious.
>4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your
>entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.
>Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your
>concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll
>realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.
>Bye now,
>Hector
If OSs Were Like Airlines
UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...
Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.
Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.
Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"
Overworked!
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
'Twas The Night Before Y2K'
'Twas the night before Y2K, And all through the nation
We awaited The Bug, The Millennium sensation.
The chips were replaced In computers with care,
In hopes that ol' Bugsy Wouldn't stop there.
While some folks could think They were snug in their beds
Others had visions Of dread in their heads.
And Ma with her PC, And I with my Mac
Had just logged on the Net And kicked back with a snack.
When over the server, There arose such a clatter
I called Mister Gates To see what was the matter.
But he was away, So I flew like a flash
Off to my bank To withdraw all my cash.
When what with my wandering eyes Should I see?
My good old Mac Looked sick to me.
The hack of all hackers Was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be The Y2K Bug!
His image downloaded In no time at all,
He whistled and shouted, Let all systems fall!
Go Intel! Go Gateway!
Now HP! Big Blue!
Everything Compaq, And Pentium too!
All processors big, All processors small,
Crash away! Crash away!
Crash away all!
All the controls That planes need for their flights
All microwaves, trains And all traffic lights.
As I drew in my breath And was turning around,
Out through the modem, He came with a bound.
He was covered with fur, And slung on his back
Was a sackful of virus, Set for attack.
His eyes-how they twinkled!
His dimples-how merry!
As midnight approached, though Things soon became scary.
He had a broad little face And a round little belly,
And his sack filled with virus Quivered like jelly.
He was chubby and plump, Perpetually grinning,
And I laughed when I saw him Though my hard drive stopped spinning.
A wink of his eye, And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know A new feeling of dread.
He spoke not a word, But went straight to his work,
He changed all the clocks, Then turned with a jerk.
With a twitch of his nose, And a quick little wink,
All things electronic Soon went on the blink.
He zoomed from my system, To the next folks on line,
He caused such a disruption, Could this be a sign?
Then I heard him exclaim, With a loud, hearty shout,
Happy Y2K to you all, This is one heck of a night!